To my little cousinThe one we all call BecToday you’re an age I can’t rememberAnd I can’t be arsed to check. You don’t look any olderThan you did the day beforeWell maybe a few hoursIn the region of twenty four. But like maturing cheeseYou get better with a bit more ageThe undetermined numberThe one I…
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My gigging partnerMy dancing little sisJumps so much that sometimesOutcomes a little piss. No stopping her enjoymentOr anyone’s aroundThere’s so much sweat in the fabricThat urine can’t be found. In the mosh pit she’ll be bouncingWith people twice her sizeThis matters very littleHer calves are much like thighs. They spring her up out of troubleWhen…
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The door was opened, there was a delayShe took a step backHer eyes filled with dismay.I peered through the window to see what she sawIt was the blackest of blackFor that I was sure. Chorus:Thousands of ants, everywhere you lookLiving and breathing, every cranny, every nook.Thousands of ants, crawling here and there,Tiny but strong, some…
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After his midday feasting his tiredness grows,So the weary web wizard rests his tiny toes,He slips into a dreamland of zeros and ones,He’s plugged into the Matrix, it’s where he belongs. Dreaming sweat dreams of promises and loops,Writing sequel statements, creating user groups,Fiddling with proxies, grep-ing here and there,He kills a process, it’s all done…
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I thought I’d write a poem, as it’s been a little while,Nothing too serious really, a little something to raise a smile,Because the world is full of trouble, heartache and depression,War, Covid, Tories, Brexit and a good chance of recession,Interest rates are on the up, the housing market’s slowing,Our bank balances are shrinking, whilst our…
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There once was a Wag called ColeenHer Instagram posts had been seenVardy took her to courtWagatha Christie she thoughtLike Wayne, is horrible and mean.
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As I sink into the sofaI wonder how my face will lookMy jaw aches a little nowAs I leaf through a Sedaris book The air in the room is coldOutside the wind is whistlingThere’s a rainbow on the floorAnd the fish tank is glistening I look above the fireplaceMy eyes fix upon a wooden cockTo…
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Today is not our wedding anniversaryWe’ve not said after a PriestThe words “I do” in front of witnessesBefore presenting them with a feast. We’ve not exchanged vows or ringsThat the best man joked he’d lostYou’ve not worn something blueOr a dress, ridiculous in cost. We’ve not kissed in front of othersAs husband or as wifeYou’ve…
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I’m a geezerA crowd pleaserI’m fifty years old and have party fever I’m a football manA Chelsea fanTrue blue from when time began I’ve done my timeI’ve chopped my linesMy wonky eye sees just fine I’m a turnstileA Balearic isleI’ve got a hedonistic lifestyle Now east coastMoved the goalpostLondon’s finished first and foremost Margate’s the…
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Ten days of quarantine to hurl your haggis sillyTo expose yourself freely like Groundskeeper WillieTo get an image of Jimmy Krankie clear in your headTo grab hold of your oats and lay down on your bedAdjust your sporran and pull up your kiltLet the tug o’war start and the tension be builtWhen tossing the caber…
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