Ten days of quarantine to hurl your haggis silly
To expose yourself freely like Groundskeeper Willie
To get an image of Jimmy Krankie clear in your head
To grab hold of your oats and lay down on your bed
Adjust your sporran and pull up your kilt
Let the tug o’war start and the tension be built
When tossing the caber you need a good grip
So use both of your hands to make sure there’s no slip
Give your bagpipes a squeeze or a blow if you please
Try different positions, get down on your knees.
After a couple of days you may feel the need
To give it a rest before there’s a bleed
You don’t want to do permanent harm
Or end up lopsided with an oversized arm
Maybe start doing other exercise instead
Perhaps trampolining alone on your bed
Pull ups could be done on the bathroom door
Or press-ups and planks on the bedroom floor
Sit-ups, burpees, lunges and squats
All can be done alone, thanks to the Scots.
Take some positives, embrace the peace and relax
Light some candles and have a soak in the bath
Try meditation, reconnect with your mind
Of course this could be tough and difficult to find
Let music take your brain, to another dimension
Use it to be released from your unexpected detention
If this doesn’t work connect to the dark web
Order some drugs and get fucked off your head
Get some mushrooms, some acid, some MDMA
Don’t forget orange juice for the very next day.
Of course this might not appeal, it might not be your thing
Perhaps karaoke instead, let your angelic voice sing
You could live stream it, using YouTube or Twitch
Become an internet sensation, become instantly rich
Sing With or Without You, in your cum stained pants
Maybe some Jamiroquai and show the world how you dance
The views will rack up, the cash will roll in
And just like that, your new career will begin
No more searching for oil or talking about old rock
The only drilling you’ll be doing, is groupies with your cock.
But then again, maybe you’ll just risk another wank
Conjure up that image of Jimmy Krankie from the bank
Or perhaps there is more, another sexy Scot
Rab C Nesbit and Nicola Sturgeon, should not be forgot
Sean Connery, Ewan McGregor, it’s quite the casting couch
That will get the old fella twitching in your posing pouch
But we know what you want, don’t worry, it is fine,
You the Red Devil are after some extra Fergie time.
But when you find that the only thing left getting you aroused
Is the ginger hair and shitty smell of those big old highland cows
You’ll know your quarantine is over, your time is almost done
And you can cross that Scottish border and head home to see your mum
And she’ll be there waiting, pleased to see her son
Because she can only use one arm and you’ll need to wipe her bum.
